Raising children in Japan as a foreign parent comes with its own unique challenges and rewards. Whether it’s navigating the education system, balancing cultural differences, or ensuring our kids grow up with strong values, one thing remains universal: we all want to raise confident, resilient, and capable children. But what if the way we acknowledge their efforts plays a bigger role in their success than we realize?
Have you ever told your child, “Wow, you’re so smart!” or “You’re a natural at this!” only to see them struggle with a challenge later and hesitate to try again? It turns out that the way we praise our children can shape the way they approach learning, effort, and even failure. According to psychologist Carol S. Dweck, author of Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, the difference between children who embrace challenges and those who shy away from them often comes down to mindset—specifically, whether they develop a fixed mindset or a growth mindset.
In Japan, where academic excellence and perseverance (gambaru) are deeply ingrained in the culture, helping our children develop the right mindset is crucial. Many parents unknowingly reinforce a fixed mindset by focusing too much on natural ability rather than effort. But here’s the good news: by making small but powerful changes in the way we acknowledge our children’s performance, we can help them develop resilience, confidence, and a lifelong love of learning.
If you want to set your child up for lifelong success, help them navigate challenges with confidence, and ensure they grow into adults who embrace learning, then keep reading. Let me share with you insights from the book on how the way we acknowledge and praise our children can shape their self-belief and resilience for a lifetime.
The Power of Praise in Parenting: Shaping Our Children’s Mindset for Success
As parents, the words we use to acknowledge our children’s efforts and achievements have a profound impact on their self-esteem, motivation, and willingness to embrace challenges. But what if the praise we’ve always thought was encouraging, such as “You’re so smart!”—was actually doing more harm than good?
A Parenting Wake-Up Call: The Moment I Realized “You’re So Smart!” Wasn’t Helping My Child
I still remember the moment it hit me—the realization that I had been unknowingly shaping my child’s mindset in a way that could hold her back in the future. It was a regular evening, and my 4-year-old daughter had just finished a difficult puzzle. She beamed with pride as she placed the final piece, looking up at me with eyes full of excitement.
Without thinking, I smiled and said, “Wow, you’re so smart! You finished it so quickly!” She giggled, proud of herself, and I didn’t think much of it—until a few days later.
That week, she got a new puzzle, one much harder than the last. At first, she tried, but when she struggled to fit the pieces together, I noticed her enthusiasm fade. Instead of pushing through, she sighed, slumped her shoulders, and muttered, “Maybe I’m not good at this.” Then, to my surprise, she quietly pushed the puzzle aside and gave up.
It was such a small moment, but it hit me like a ton of bricks. My words, meant to encourage her, had unknowingly set an expectation: if she was smart, then things should come easily. The moment something felt hard, she questioned herself instead of seeing it as a challenge to overcome.
The Science Behind Praise: Carol Dweck’s Growth Mindset Theory
That’s when I remembered what I had read in Carol S. Dweck’s book, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. She explains how the way we praise children can significantly impact their mindset:
• Fixed Mindset: When children are praised for their intelligence or talent (“You’re so smart!”), They start believing that their abilities are static. As a result, they may avoid challenges, fear failure, and feel discouraged when they struggle.
• Growth Mindset: When children are praised for their effort, strategies, and persistence (“You worked really hard on that!”), They learn that intelligence and skills can be developed. This encourages resilience, a love for learning, and a willingness to take on challenges.
Dweck’s research reveals that children who develop a growth mindset are more likely to embrace obstacles, persist through difficulties, and ultimately achieve greater success in academics and life.
Shifting My Parenting Approach: How I Changed the Way I Praise My Child
I realized that I needed to change the way I praised my daughter. Instead of saying, “You’re so smart!” when she accomplished something, I started saying:
• “You worked really hard on that puzzle! I saw how you kept trying different pieces until you found the right ones.”
• “That was a tricky problem, but I love how you didn’t give up. What strategy do you want to try next?”
At first, it felt like a small change, but the results were incredible. Slowly, I saw a shift in her attitude. She no longer hesitated when things got difficult. Instead of giving up, she started saying, “I just need more practice” or “I’ll try a different way.”
That moment changed the way I parent. It made me realize that the words we choose as parents shape how our children see themselves and their abilities. Instead of raising a child who avoids challenges, I want to raise one who sees challenges as opportunities to grow.
And it all starts with how we acknowledge their efforts.
Understanding Fixed vs. Growth Mindset: How Our Words Shape Our Children’s Future
Dweck’s studies reveal that children develop one of two mindsets—fixed mindset or growth mindset—based on the messages they receive about success, effort, and intelligence. These mindsets influence how they perceive challenges, handle failure, and ultimately, shape their long-term success.
What is a Fixed Mindset?
A fixed mindset is the belief that intelligence, talent, and abilities are static traits—you’re either born with them or you’re not. Children with a fixed mindset often think:
• “I’m either good at something, or I’m not.”
• “If I have to try hard, it means I’m not smart.”
• “If I fail, it means I’m not good enough.”
This belief system creates fear around challenges. When something feels difficult, children with a fixed mindset may avoid it altogether to protect their self-image. Instead of seeing failure as an opportunity to learn, they may interpret it as proof that they’re “not smart enough.”
For example, when my daughter gave up on her difficult puzzle, I realized she wasn’t avoiding the task because she lacked ability—she was avoiding it because she was afraid of struggling. My earlier praise (“You’re so smart!”) had unintentionally set an expectation that if something was difficult, it meant she wasn’t as smart as I had said.
What is a Growth Mindset?
A growth mindset is the belief that intelligence and abilities can be developed through effort, learning, and perseverance. Children with a growth mindset think:
• “I can improve if I keep trying.”
• “Challenges help me grow.”
• “Mistakes are part of learning.”
Instead of fearing failure, these children see it as a natural part of the learning process. They become more resilient, motivated, and willing to take on challenges.
When I learned about the growth mindset, I made a conscious effort to change the way I praised my daughter. Instead of focusing on the outcome (“You’re so smart!”), I praised the process:
• “Wow, I love how you kept trying different pieces until you found the right one!”
• “This puzzle was really tricky, but you didn’t give up. That’s amazing!”
This shift made a huge difference. Over time, I noticed my daughter stopped avoiding challenges. Instead of giving up, she started saying, “I just need more practice.” She began to embrace difficulties as learning opportunities rather than signs of failure.
How Mindset Shapes a Child’s Success
Research shows that a child’s mindset impacts nearly every aspect of their development, including:
✔ Academic Performance: Growth mindset children are more likely to take on difficult subjects and improve over time.
✔ Resilience: They handle setbacks better, seeing failures as lessons rather than as personal shortcomings.
✔ Motivation: Instead of being afraid of challenges, they become excited by the possibility of growth.
As parents, we have a powerful role in shaping this mindset. By shifting the way we acknowledge our children’s efforts, we can help them develop confidence, perseverance, and a lifelong love of learning.
And it all starts with the simple words we choose.
Why Acknowledging Effort Over Ability Matters
As parents, we naturally want to boost our children’s confidence and self-esteem. We cheer them on, celebrating their achievements with phrases like “You’re so smart!” or “You’re naturally talented at this!” While these compliments are well-intended, research suggests that they may actually do more harm than good in the long run.
Carol Dweck’s studies on mindset reveal a powerful truth: how we praise our children shapes how they see themselves and their abilities. When we focus solely on talent or intelligence, we may unknowingly teach them that success comes from innate ability rather than perseverance and effort. But when we recognize the process—their hard work, persistence, and strategies—we help them build the resilience needed to thrive in life.
The Hidden Problem with Praising Intelligence
I learned this lesson firsthand with my own daughter. As I shared earlier, I used to praise her by saying, “You’re so smart!” whenever she accomplished something. At first, this seemed like the perfect way to boost her confidence. But when she faced a tougher challenge—a harder puzzle she couldn’t solve right away—she became discouraged. Instead of seeing it as a problem to work through, she hesitated and said, “Maybe I’m just not good at this.”
That moment made me realize how easily a child can associate success with being “naturally smart” rather than with effort. If they believe that success comes effortlessly, they may fear struggling, thinking it means they’re not truly capable. This fear of failure can hold them back from even trying.
How Effort-Based Praise Builds a Stronger Mindset
When we shift our praise from ability to effort, strategy, and perseverance, something incredible happens:
✔ Children embrace challenges instead of avoiding them.
✔ They develop resilience and confidence in their ability to improve.
✔ They see failures as opportunities to learn rather than proof of their limitations.
For example, when I changed my approach and told my daughter, “I love how you kept trying different pieces until you found the right one!” she no longer hesitated to tackle tough puzzles. She started believing that her success came from persistence rather than just being “smart.”
This shift in perspective has been backed by extensive research. In a study conducted by Dweck and her colleagues, students who were praised for their effort rather than their intelligence were far more likely to take on challenging tasks. They saw difficulties as opportunities to grow rather than threats to their self-worth.
Fostering a Love for Learning and Challenges
Acknowledging effort over ability doesn’t just help kids build confidence—it also fosters a genuine love for learning. When children understand that their abilities are not fixed and that improvement comes with effort, they:
• Take on new challenges with enthusiasm rather than fear.
• Develop intrinsic motivation, meaning they work hard because they enjoy the process, not just for external rewards.
• Learn perseverance, an essential skill for success in school, work, and life.
In Japan, where academic achievement is highly emphasized, many children feel immense pressure to perform perfectly. This cultural expectation can sometimes lead them to fear failure, making them hesitant to take on difficult tasks. But by shifting our praise to focus on effort—“I love how you’re practicing your kanji every day!” instead of “Wow, you’re so good at kanji!”—we help our children see growth as the true measure of success, not perfection.
A Small Change with a Big Impact
Changing the way we acknowledge our children’s performance may seem like a small tweak, but its impact is profound. Instead of raising kids who believe that success is about being “naturally gifted,” we raise children who know that hard work, persistence, and learning from mistakes are what truly lead to success.
So the next time your child accomplishes something, instead of saying, “You’re so smart!” try saying:
• “I love how you kept trying even when it was difficult!”
• “That was a tough problem, but you didn’t give up. That’s amazing!”
• “I saw how you used a new strategy this time. That was a great idea!”
These small changes in our words can reshape the way our children see themselves, not as people who need to prove their intelligence, but as individuals who can develop their abilities with effort and dedication.
And that lesson will stay with them for life.
Conclusion: Empowering Our Children Through the Right Kind of Praise
As parents, we pour our hearts into raising our children, wanting nothing more than to see them happy, confident, and successful. And the truth is—you’re already doing an incredible job. Every word of encouragement, every hug after a tough day, and every moment you spend guiding them matters.
But now, you have an even greater tool in your hands: the power of praising effort over ability. By shifting the way we acknowledge our children’s achievements, we’re not just boosting their confidence in the moment—we’re shaping how they see themselves for a lifetime. Instead of fearing challenges, they’ll learn to embrace them. Instead of giving up, they’ll develop the perseverance to keep going. And instead of tying their worth to success, they’ll understand that true growth comes from effort, learning, and resilience.
It’s never too late to start making this shift. Whether your child is just learning their first words or navigating the challenges of school, the way you praise them today can empower them for years to come.
So, the next time your child accomplishes something, pause before saying, “You’re so smart!” Instead, celebrate their effort, their persistence, and their willingness to grow. Because in the end, it’s not about raising children who simply succeed—it’s about raising children who believe in themselves, no matter what life throws their way.
And that, more than anything, is the greatest gift we can give them.
